Thanks! I have more ...oh so many more ...!
This is a frantic phone call I received from my teenaged Daughter ....
Daughter: MOM! I am so scared! I locked myself in the bathroom..I think there is somebody in the house, you have got to come home right now!
ME: WHAT OMG! Where is your brother?
D: at work! I just heard these noises again! Seriously Mom, come home right now!
ME: What Noises? What does it sound like?
D: like somebody is moaning! Or a pig grunting like...and some off key singing?!
ME: Call 911 for gods sake!
D: I just texted some of (brother's) friends and they are coming over! Can you PLEASE come home!?!
ME: I can't you dropped me off remember?!
D: I forgot! Crap!
ME: do you still hear it?
D: YES! OMG! MOM I am so scared!
ME: honey just call 911!
D: wait... I don't hear anything ...wait...OMG THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
By this time I am ready to scream, I am stuck at work without a car because daughter dropped me off!
ME: is it getting closer? OMG ..where is it coming from?
D: downstairs somewhere!
ME: Stay where you are! Do you have anything to protect yourself?
D: MOM! I am locked in the bathroom! What am I supposed to do beat somebody with a loofah?
ME: what about some drain cleaner?! I think there is some under the sink!
D: W H A T ?! Mom what am I supposed to do with drain cleaner?!
ME: Throw it in their face!
D: OMG MOM! you are psycho!
ME: it is kill or be killed!
D: OMG you think someone is going to kill me???!!!!
ME: of course not! But you have to be prepared to fight like hell! Kick them in the crotch!
D: MOM you are NUTS! ...OMG it is louder now!
ME: WHAT????
D; the NOISES!!!! they are really LOUD!
ME: GET THE DRAINO !! GET THE DRAINO !!!
D: OMG the guys are here, they are downstairs... Wait I am going to open the door..
ME: DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! OMG TAKE THE DRAINO WITH YOU!
D: Dave and Kenny and Bobby are here with baseball bats! They are checking the basement and garage ...
ME: Thank GOD!
D: they haven't found anything....Mom I am still so scared!
ME: send someone to get me! I am FREAKING OUT!
D; OK I am leaving this house! I am coming to pick you up right now!
So daughter picks me up, while my sons friends stayed at the house. I get home and we check the house again ..look in every closet and under beds and everything ...nothing.
So I get daughter calmed down, and I make us some hot tea and she is in her room and I am in my room ..when ...she hears the noises again! and comes running into my room
D: MOM! OMG HE'S BACK!
ME: WHAT?! WHO? WHERE?!!!
D: downstairs! I heard him again!
ME: I don't hear anything! ...wait ....OMG what is that?
D: I am locking myself in your bathroom!
ME: wait ... What is that?
D: someone or SOMETHING is down there!
ME: find something I can use ....
D; do you want the DRAINO?
ME: No get my hairspray, I have a lighter in the top drawer
D: why do you have a lighter?
ME: I like to keep it with the emergency candles, you know in case the lights go out
D: omg! That's a great idea! I need to get some candles for my room!
ME: I don't think so, you'll burn the house down! I'll buy you a flashlight
D: ok, but I want a purple one.
ME: ok fine I'll get you ...WHAT WAS THAT?!
D: OMG THAT WAS THE NOISE!
ME: HAIRSPRAY ! HAIRSPRAY !
D: what are you going to do style their hair?!!
ME: NO ! I am going to light the hairspray with the lighter and set the son of a ***** on fire!
D: MOM...you really are crazy you know that right?
ME: honey it's kill or be killed!
So I creep down the stairs ..I hear this pig grunting, moaning, off key singing ..and now I am scared!
It is getting louder and louder ...and ...
IT IS TYRONE! going to town in a hole in the substrate he apparently dug!
ME: I found the source of the noise ... You need to come see it for yourself
D: did you set him on fire?!
ME: NO!
D: who is it?
ME: come down here!
Daughter comes down the steps ..and I point to TYRONE and she looks at him ...then looks at me ...then looks at him...and starts laughing!
D: you were gonna set someone on fire HA HA HA HA HA HA
ME: HEY ! I was going to protect you!
D: wait until I tell my friends my mom thinks she is some kind of ninja or something !
ME to TYRONE: do you see what kind of trouble you make for me? Do you?!
As usual, I swear he is grinning at me ...
This is a true story that happened last summer...He was so loud loving on his dirt pile. It sounded like a human!
So the bricks have finally soaked and was ready to change Tyrone's substrate. Got to thinking about his water dish ... Currently he has an 8 inch ceramic pie dish. He has really gone thru a growth spurt because it is just big enough for his shell. When he soaks in it his head hangs over the side like and escaped piece of apple filling!
Anyway I knew I had some extra Pyrex oblong casserole dishes in the basement, that I use when I take desserts to parties and such. I figured what the heck, I will use one of those! He will have plenty of room now!
So there I was scooping our Tyrone's substrate so I could put the fresh in.
And hubby walks into the kitchen, asking what's for dinner tonight. (Tyrone's viv is in the hallway between living room and kitchen)
Hubby:what's for dinner?
Me: I haven't given it a thought why?
Hubby: I don't know I am kinda hungry..
Me: not me ... Ewww tort poo
At this point I figure hubby could run down stairs and grab the Pyrex dish
Me:hey, can you go downstairs and grab the brown pyrex casserole dish.
Hubby: the one you make peach cobbler in?
Me: yeah that's the one.
Hubby:sure!
I continue to scoop, thinking about how to keep Tyrone from getting it so dirty..I know I will put rocks around it, I have more nice sized rocks.
Hubby comes back up stairs and he is mumbling something, I can't understand.
Hubby:there ya go! When are you going to start cooking?
Me: I don't know! I have my elbows in Tyrone poo, I really ain't thinking about food!
Hubby:I can check and see what we have in the pantry?
Me: ...what? ..ok yeah that's fine..
Hubby goes over to the pantry and I hear cans being moved around, and then I can hear cupboard doors opening and closing ..
Hubby: I need to wash this dish it looks clean but got a little dusty in the cabinet downstairs, what else do you need?
Me: just make sure you rinse it real well, I don't want him eating soap
Hubby: do you want cherry or peach? Or how about apple?
Me:what? I am not hungry right now
(I am thinking how am I gonna eat an apple with tort poo on my hands?)
Hubby: I like peach the best, but you have several apple
Me:That's nice...?
Hubbyk! It's all clean! I also got out the flour and sugar and melted some butter
Me:melted butter? Giggling...What are you going to do give him a massage? (I crack up at myself sometimes)
Hubby: give who a massage? What are you talking about now!?!
Me: Tyrone!
Hubby:why would I give him a massage? Besides I am trying to help you make an apple cobbler!
Me:What apple cobbler?!? Who said I am making an apple cobbler?!?
Hubby: you did!
Me: are YOU crazy?! I never said any such thing!
Hubby: yes you did! You had me go get the cobbler dish! And made me wash it!
Me WHAT?!? I never made you wash it! You asked me if I wanted it washed!
Hubby:I know! I washed it!
Me: I know! thanks! Geesh!
Hubby:I melted the butter and got the flour and the sugar out.
Me: well good for you! What are you making?
Hubby:I wasn't making anything! You're making an apple cobbler!
Me:I never said I was making a cobbler!
Hubby: then why in the hell did I just go get the cobbler dish and wash it for?!
Me:...cracking up... OOoooOooH that's Tyrone's new soaking dish!
at this point hubby walks away disgusted and mumbling to himself, as I start laughing so hard I have to sit down, before I spill stinky substrate all over the floor!
This is 100% true ... I go thru this crazy stuff everyday! I swear my family should be on reality TV!