morals

[terryo]

I guess like in every debate there are pro's and cons to every subject.
My sister took a very different approach to parenting. When they were bad they got spanked, when they were older they got punished ...a lot...No spanking or punishing in my house...discussions. In her house if anyone didn't go to church, they didn't get any Sunday dinner. In our house no one ever said they didn't want to go to church ...we just went together. When they worked...paper route, dog walking..etc. they had to hand over their money...no questions asked. I let mine keep theirs to save for things they wanted. When friends came over they had to stay downstairs, and go home at a certain hour. Everyone slept over my house on weekends. Everyone sat in their rooms to do homework alone so there would be no distractions. Mine all sat down to do homework together and helped each other. Each night a kid took turns doing the dishes. He stayed in there all alone and washed, dried and put away. We had out production line. Very different from my house. I tried very hard to make everything fun, so it wouldn't be considered a misery.
Three of my kids still go to church. (one always says he is too busy...but I am working on him...) Every day I get phone calls from one of their friends asking if I need anything. My kids all live around me and I see them every day.
My poor sister is always alone, and they come twice a year on holidays..no one goes to church any more...the list goes on and on.
We would argue that I was too lenient, and I would say she was too strict. I don't know who was right or wrong, but I kind of like how my life turned out, more so than hers.
I'm not saying everything was peachy...not by a long shot. Remember they were boys. I could write a book with the craziness that went on. (my grandchildren always tell me I should....they love hearing "bad stories" about their fathers.
I do see a different set of morals in my grandchildren...very different. The girls have boyfriends at 14, the clothes they wear are eye-popping. They don't go to church with their parents like mine did. Sometimes I see them there with a gang of friends...but at least they go, I guess. I guess it is a whole different generation. We just can't expect the morals of today's generation to be the same as yesterdays generation.

 

[ChiKat]

Terry you have such wonderful memories from raising your children. I hope that some day when I have my own family we have the amount of love and warmth that your family had!

 

[terryo]

Thank you Katie. I do have wonderful and some funny memories...some bad one's too, but I wouldn't trade any of them. I'm sure you'll have them too one day, but don't rush things....time goes too fast as it is.

 

[dmmj]

well it used to be legal to beat your wife, that is where they phrase "rule of thumb" comes from. you could only beat your wife with a stick that was no wider than your thumb, now I am not encouraging this or approving of it, just passing along some info. In my own experience kids who are spanked not beaten usually turn out better, that is not always the case but just my general experience.Of copurse I am teh exception to the rule I was never spanked but I think I turned out pretty darn well myself, and I remember the stories of my dad how his dad used to beat him, and the stories of my grandpa who used to tell us stories of how his dad used to hit him with a horse whip.

 

[DoctorCosmonaut]

I think that by treating children like they are big enough to discuss things like an adult works pretty well, the other alternative just seems to burn people and seems to give the mental capabilities of children/adolescents too little credit... seen it happen too many times with people i know. Or if you look at it from the perspectives of physics, "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" -Newtons Third Law. I know that a lot of you are going to chime in and say that you never had an equally opposing force, but I've seen it with friends and family and myself (and like Maggie was saying, you get spanked enough or scared enough and you learn how to hide things, not stop doing them... you lose the communication and openness that you should have with your children)... Plus what kid ever talked about their feelings and actions (discussion) too much in return?"

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I think spanking/whipping tends to be a tradition... and I'm gonna break it with my kids... I'll report to you how that all works out in a few years

 

[chadk]

I think that by treating children like they are big enough to discuss things like an adult works pretty well, the other alternative just seems to burn people and seems to give the mental capabilities of children/adolescents too little credit... seen it happen too many times with people i know. Or if you look at it from the perspectives of physics, "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" -Newtons Third Law. I know that a lot of you are going to chime in and say that you never had an equally opposing force, but I've seen it with friends and family and myself (and like Maggie was saying, you get spanked enough or scared enough and you learn how to hide things, not stop doing them... you lose the communication and openness that you should have with your children)... Plus what kid ever talked about their feelings and actions (discussion) too much in return?"

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I think spanking/whipping tends to be a tradition... and I'm gonna break it with my kids... I'll report to you how that all works out in a few years

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Like I said, it is a balancing act. Openess and good communication and unconditional love go a long way. And that is balanced with boundaries and correction and discipline.

The problem I have is with those who throw out absolute statements about right and wrong parenting approaches. Those who would outlaw spankings in any form. Those who would have CPS take kids away from a parent who gives their child a spanking at home or anywhere else for that matter. If you don't want to use it as one of your parenting tools, then simply don't. Leave it at that. There are already laws against child abuse and enough kids in foster care for real reasons. Anytime the gov't steps in to tell me how to raise my kids.... well, there is Newton's Third Law again...

Treating kids like grown ups is fine in many circumstances. As long as you don't lose sight of the fact that they are NOT grown ups yet and you have a big job as a parent to raise them into maturity.

 

[DoctorCosmonaut]

I think that by treating children like they are big enough to discuss things like an adult works pretty well, the other alternative just seems to burn people and seems to give the mental capabilities of children/adolescents too little credit... seen it happen too many times with people i know. Or if you look at it from the perspectives of physics, "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" -Newtons Third Law. I know that a lot of you are going to chime in and say that you never had an equally opposing force, but I've seen it with friends and family and myself (and like Maggie was saying, you get spanked enough or scared enough and you learn how to hide things, not stop doing them... you lose the communication and openness that you should have with your children)... Plus what kid ever talked about their feelings and actions (discussion) too much in return?"

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I think spanking/whipping tends to be a tradition... and I'm gonna break it with my kids... I'll report to you how that all works out in a few years

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Like I said, it is a balancing act. Openess and good communication and unconditional love go a long way. And that is balanced with boundaries and correction and discipline.

The problem I have is with those who throw out absolute statements about right and wrong parenting approaches. Those who would outlaw spankings in any form. Those who would have CPS take kids away from a parent who gives their child a spanking at home or anywhere else for that matter. If you don't want to use it as one of your parenting tools, then simply don't. Leave it at that. There are already laws against child abuse and enough kids in foster care for real reasons. Anytime the gov't steps in to tell me how to raise my kids.... well, there is Newton's Third Law again...

Treating kids like grown ups is fine in many circumstances. As long as you don't lose sight of the fact that they are NOT grown ups yet and you have a big job as a parent to raise them into maturity.

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I never said anything about changing laws or making anything illegal, I'm simply saying I think it is a better approach, not the only approach, and I'm not saying that its the approach everyone should take.

 

[chadk]

fair enough