A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin.
A mathematician quits his job at a major university to pursue work as a firefighter. At his local fire station, the firefighters are impressed with the mathematician's resume and ask him a few questions.
"What do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's on fire?"
The mathematician responds. "Easy, I'd just put out the fire."
The firefighters were pleased. "Okay, what do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's not on fire?"
The mathematician thinks for a little bit. "Easy! I'd set it on fire!"
The firefighters are aghast at his stupidity. They ask him if he's an idiot, to which he replies, "No! I've just reduced the problem to one I've already solved!"
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"...
All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table...
...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
I just invented a new word
plagiarism.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin.
A mathematician quits his job at a major university to pursue work as a firefighter. At his local fire station, the firefighters are impressed with the mathematician's resume and ask him a few questions.
"What do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's on fire?"
The mathematician responds. "Easy, I'd just put out the fire."
The firefighters were pleased. "Okay, what do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's not on fire?"
The mathematician thinks for a little bit. "Easy! I'd set it on fire!"
The firefighters are aghast at his stupidity. They ask him if he's an idiot, to which he replies, "No! I've just reduced the problem to one I've already solved!"
A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"...
All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table...
...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
I just invented a new word
plagiarism.
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