jokes

dmmj

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin.

A mathematician quits his job at a major university to pursue work as a firefighter. At his local fire station, the firefighters are impressed with the mathematician's resume and ask him a few questions.
"What do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's on fire?"
The mathematician responds. "Easy, I'd just put out the fire."
The firefighters were pleased. "Okay, what do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's not on fire?"
The mathematician thinks for a little bit. "Easy! I'd set it on fire!"
The firefighters are aghast at his stupidity. They ask him if he's an idiot, to which he replies, "No! I've just reduced the problem to one I've already solved!"

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"...
All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT ? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table...
...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

I just invented a new word

plagiarism.


 
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bouaboua

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I like the new word.
 

AZtortMom

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Run forest run!
 

dmmj

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I like jokes that sound dirty, but aren't. Who am I kidding I also like dirty jokes, but this is a family forum.

A woman is on a plane, when the captain says over the intercom. " Ladies and gentlemen, we re exp. engine problems, we re going down, and survival is not likely. If you have anything you want to do, do it now. " The woman stands up, looks around the plane. Finds the most attractive man there ( me naturally :) ), goes over to him and says. " We ar going to die, please before I die, please .. make me... feel like ... a woman... before I die" The man stands up, looks at her and rips his shirt off, and says. :Here... Iron this shirt".
 

ascott

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A woman is on a plane, when the captain says over the intercom. " Ladies and gentlemen, we re exp. engine problems, we re going down, and survival is not likely. If you have anything you want to do, do it now. " The woman stands up, looks around the plane. Finds the most attractive man there ( me naturally :) ), goes over to him and says. " We ar going to die, please before I die, please .. make me... feel like ... a woman... before I die" The man stands up, looks at her and rips his shirt off, and says. :Here... Iron this shirt".

LMAOfff Cap....
 

Abdulla6169

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A stupid scientist who studies pigeons wants to see the effect of cutting a pigeon's wings on its flight. So first he say shoos the winged pigeon, so it flies... Then he shoos the wingless pigeon, it didn't fly... He takes his pen and writes :"Cutting a pigeon's wings makes it deaf!" lol :)
 

Cowboy_Ken

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[QUOTE="dmmj, post: 889655, member: 1299"Finds the most attractive man there ( me naturally :) )/QUOTE]
Simply due to the fact I missed the flight from the experience of an old, “Olde Spice" commercial when I went to the pat down area of pre-boarding.
 

Tom

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Simply due to the fact I missed the flight from the experience of an old, “Olde Spice" commercial when I went to the pat down area of pre-boarding.

Oh. Do you opt for the free massage too?

Tip: Don't wear your range shoes if you are going for the free rubdown. They wipe the little pad thingy on their gloves after your free massage and run it through their little machine. If their is any GSR it makes the whole screen light up with flashing read letters that read "EXPLOSIVES!" while all sorts of buzzers and bells go off. When THAT happens you get to go to the back room for ANOTHER free massage. :)

... ask me how I know all this.
 

Kapidolo Farms

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I grizzled old miner comes into town for the first time in a few years. He cashes out some of his gold and decided he wants a beer and a burger before going on to other matters. he walks up the the eating establishment for which he is most familiar and sure enough it's crowded, but much more so than he recalls. Figuring that there might be a new menu he reads it. At the bottom he sees what all the fuss is about, new menu item is "Hand Job" $50.

He walks in and see the only server in the place, a really attractive women behind the bar, engaged in conversation with several customers. He knocks on the bar and she comes over and asks how can she help. He asks her if indeed she is the only person there that day, she must be horribly overworked. She winks and says its nothing she can't handle. He asks her if she is who delivers the new item on the menu. She tells him with a flirty smile that indeed she is.

He asks that before he order that she wash her hands, that he has his own unusual fetish about such. As she's washing her hands she looks over her shoulder and flashes another flirty smile. The miner notices a nail brush at the sink and indicates that would help him enjoy the day better if she used that.

When all done with an elaborate hand washing show, she comes around the bar and puts her hand on his lap and in a sexy voice asks him how he wants it. He says, I'd like the hamburger with cheese please.
 

Kapidolo Farms

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I nervous looking guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer. He sits looking at his beer for awhile. A very large burly guy walks over decides the beer ought to be consumed and gulps it down. The nervous guy now has a look on his face that betrays an even greater degree of nervousness. The burly guy looks at him and say "whatch'a going do".

" I'm just going to sit here and watch?" The nervous guy further replies that he has had a really bad day. He was late to work and missed an important meeting. His secretary didn't cover for him, exposed they'd had an affair and he was summarily fired in front of his peers during lunch. He went to the bathroom to compose himself and drop the keys in the toilet. After fishing them out he returned to his desk to gather his belonging, only to see security already moved his whole office into storage. He walked out to find his car had been stolen, so took a cab ride home mid day, only to find his wife with another man. He was about to catch the cab down to the bar, but it had already taken off, and to his determinant apparently with his wallet. So he walked to the bar, ordered a beer, put a suicide tab in it and was about to gulp it down.

He then asked the burly guy, "how is your day going?"
 

Gillian M

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After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
 
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