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dmmj

The member formerly known as captain awesome
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A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his run for re-election.
When Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush's home area, he started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ***?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ***."
"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though. "

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

Hey Ernie do you want some ice cream?
Sure bert ,No Ernie Ice cream , yea sure bert, No you idiot ICE CREAM!! Yea Sure Bert

A pretty young blond was
pulled over by a state troop for speeding. When officer asked her, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" She said, "So you could ask me to buy tickets to the state policeman's ball?" The officer said, "State policemen don't have balls." Then he walked quietly back to his car.
 
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