Time to change or am I being unreasonable?

[katesgoey]

Just wanted to point out that child support isn't about him or you - it's the child's right to be supported by both parents. Ava deserves the child support from him and it really shouldn't be something to ponder whether or not you should get it - its her money for her care and will help you provide what she needs (or save it for college). If he is threatening to "make it difficult" then get the custody/support order with a restraining order in it to keep him away from you and Ava. That's a usual ploy to threaten the other parent. Don't buy into it and get the child support for Ava. I understand you want her to have her father, but you simply can't force him to change or to want her. Since his parents visit her, he will probably always have some contact with her anyway so focus on getting what Ava needs - she'll figure out who her father is and whether or not she maintains a relationship as she gets older. Best wishes to you.

 

[Jacqui]

First off, my opinion is to quit worry so much about his wants and needs. First priority is the child. He may not have wanted the child, but he was half of creating her. You should have him paying his fair share.

My first husband, the father of my four kids, really did not visit them much as small children. When we had divorced he acted like he wanted lots of time with them and made a big deal out of getting the visitation time he wanted. For me, no big deal, so I gave it to him. However he never took them for the weeks in the summer, no holidays, and his weekend visits were an occassional few hours every few months. I learned to never expect him until he showed up at the door. To never plan on him having them long enough for me to even go shopping. I also allowed him to use my home with the belief he might visit them longer or more often. We also invited him to holiday dinners.

He never paid child support on time, but I grew to just think of the money when it came and any amount it might be as blessings but not expectations. He still has a rather large bill years after the kids became of age. He was suppose to pay half of medical bills, but he didn't and I chose to do without rather than fight about it.

Basicly I let him be as much of a father as he was comfortable being or perhaps was actually able to be. Not everybody who can give sperm can be a father (and the other way around too). Your guy may be one of those.

As they grew older, he started being more of a father. Today he is much more there for them then ever, but he is still not able to be what I think of as a good father. He is however, growing steadily into the best father he can be.

Do what is right for your child and yourself. Legally solidify your rights. Make him financially responsible for the child, but don't force him to be what you think he should be as a father. In time he may get there or he may never grow into the role any more than he already has.

Remember his not wanting to be a father does not make him bad, it just makes him, him. Keep lines open, but don't push visits, that will just make him run the other way.

I also would be honest with the child. Don't sugar coat what is happening, but try to give information as it is age appropiate. Also don't in any way down the father to the child.

Just my thoughts and my experience, but each of us must do what in our hearts feels right...and then live with the results. Unfortunately relationships and parenthood come with no rule books, no right or wrong way, everything comes in shades of greys and constantly changes...sorta like raising tortoises, huh?

Good luck.

 

[webskipper]

Make him do the traveling, etc. Keep his folks in the loop, not him.

I recently found myself doting on my friend's kids, what the h am I doing? I can still find a younger woman and try tying the knot once more. It's been safer to just have pets as children.

If only you were closer, I could dote over Ava and your Torts, for food and a pint. :}