a vacation apart

[jojodesca]

well....to start let me say that i have been married for almost 12 yrs, and have never had a honeymoon/vacation with my husband. So basically we are supposed to take a cruise this coming November as part of a 1/2 family reunion 1/2 anniversary/honeymoon trip. Well my husband informs me that he wants to go to the Philippines to visit his dad who is 76. stating that this might be the last time he would get to see him...so I understand that.

However, we have NEVER been anywhere together. He has went to the Philippines 3 times since we have been married, and i have never went. Initially we were going to go to the Philippines together, however my husband made a comment that I should ask my Best friend to go with us so I have a "companion" while I am visiting so I am not "alone"...Now get this...He will be doing things with his brothers and friends that involves alot of drinking, and **** fights, and other guy stuff. Well frankly my feelings are hurt that he would take me to a strange country where I dont speak the language and basically have me fend for myself!!

So i informed him that I will NOT be going. I dont think it is fair that he always gets his way and I have to put everything I want on the back burner. So I will just go on the cruise myself..which is 4 days and his trip will be 1 month.

do you think I am being childish about not going?..or do you think he is being selfish?

 

[ascott]

So I will just go on the cruise myself.

So, this would be the perfect time to take him up on his suggestion, call your best friend and--go ahead and go on the cruise, and have drinks and do chick stuff....and not worry about him going to Phillipines....I would plan to have a few chick outings with your best friend and other girlfriends during that month of free time that he is gone--- make it your time....
se la vi....

Just my opinion anyways....

 

[JeffG]

Just my opinion, but I think there is a problem. He should not only want you to come with him to the Phillipines, but he should want you to be with him while the two of you are there. By telling him that you aren't going, you are actually giving him what he wants - complete freedom to do whatever he wants behind your back. I don't think that is a good plan for your marriage.

I don't know either of you so I could be wrong, but I have been happily married for 22 years, and I know that if I ever wanted my wife "out of the way" it would not be for honorable purposes.

 

[jojodesca]

Just my opinion, but I think there is a problem. He should not only want you to come with him to the Phillipines, but he should want you to be with him while the two of you are there. By telling him that you aren't going, you are actually giving him what he wants - complete freedom to do whatever he wants behind your back. I don't think that is a good plan for your marriage.

I don't know either of you so I could be wrong, but I have been happily married for 22 years, and I know that if I ever wanted my wife "out of the way" it would not be for honorable purposes.

Well he does want me to go, so he says, but I dont really want to go...especially if I am going to be sitting alone while he does his things..I dont drink..i dont agree with **** fighting..and I dont speak the language..plus its so humid and hot there...I have never met any of my in laws....but it is also a cultural thing..the women dont hang with the men...they all cook and take care of the kids, while the men gamble and drink..

 

[ascott]

See...the cruise is the better choice.....and you know your husband by now....I think that I recall when I was married and the annoyance you share to feel....maybe think about it again tomorrow after you have had a minute to rethink what really pissed you off and or hurt your feelings....you know?????

I would go on the cruise with the best friend still....not because of any other reason than it sounds like it will be a good time.... Now, if it is important for you to spend the time on the cruise with your husband...then that is what you should do....you can have a good time on the cruise and then be mad at him later for the other...

 

[jojodesca]

actually...if he went on the cruise he would spend his time in the casino part....I do know him too well.....but I will sleep on it..besides he needs a passport so that takes some time...plus he might not get the vacation time he wants....we will see

 

[JeffG]

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. I wouldn't want to go either under the conditions he has set. What I am saying is that it is not good that he thinks you should be happy to go and just stay out of his way so that he can have "fun" with his friends.

I understand that there are lots of different cultures in the world, and that when people from different cultures get married it can result in awkward situations like this. I am only telling you that if he respects you and your feelings, he should understand that you are not comfortable with the things that he wants to do, and because of that, not even suggest what he has. I would NEVER think of doing that to my wife.

 

[jojodesca]

your wife is lucky Jeff....

 

[JeffG]

your wife is lucky Jeff....

Not really. I'm a dork with all kinds of flaws. I just love my wife to death, and know that she is way too good for me. Because of that, it is easy to put her needs/desires before mine.

 

[lisalove]

Not to get too deep about your marriage, but my parents have been married for 55 years and they take separate vacations-hunting, fishing, etc...They do go away a little together as well, but a lot of times not.
Something must be working-55 years and going strong

 

[Jacqui]

I can understand him wanting to go see his Dad, but I also think he should be wanting very much for you to go with him to see him. Why must he go for a month? I think a compromise is called for. You both go and see his father, but only for a week at most. I understand cultural differences, but he has chosen to not live in his culture's traditions correct? So he needs to "be a man" and be willing to be with his family and still treat you and behave with you as he does at home.

 

[ALDABRAMAN]

Sounds bad, I would not put up with that. And the **** fighting, terrible! Is it illegal over there? Ever consider divorce..............................

 

[wellington]

I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I was divorced before. There are too many fish in the sea that would treat you better and life is too short. That said, you have to do what is right for you. I just hope you don't have kids. If you do,i hope he treats them better.. Good luck to you. Take the cruise, run up his credit card then, consider divorce if that's an option.

 

[jojodesca]

well...**** fighting is a huge legal sport over there...and my husband has recently gotten so into it b/c his brothers raise them and fight them..I think it's cruel, but he was raised to not think so. he said he wanted me to go, but he knows i dont like the **** fighting and he is planning on spending alot of time doing it..I dont know any of his family over there..so if he is going to leave me alone with the wives and children of his family and friends, then I would rather stay home. I do not want to be "a stranger in a strange land"...the reason for a month trip is b/c it takes almost 2 days travel there and 2 days back..so going for a week is not enough time....however a whole month is ridiculous....Another reason I dont want to go is b/c I have my dog and turtles to take care of...Don't worry about hurting my feelings about a divorce.....he's good in every other way..he's just a jerk about the whole Philippines trip thing...

 

[wellington]

well...**** fighting is a huge legal sport over there...and my husband has recently gotten so into it b/c his brothers raise them and fight them..I think it's cruel, but he was raised to not think so. he said he wanted me to go, but he knows i dont like the **** fighting and he is planning on spending alot of time doing it..I dont know any of his family over there..so if he is going to leave me alone with the wives and children of his family and friends, then I would rather stay home. I do not want to be "a stranger in a strange land"...the reason for a month trip is b/c it takes almost 2 days travel there and 2 days back..so going for a week is not enough time....however a whole month is ridiculous....Another reason I dont want to go is b/c I have my dog and turtles to take care of...Don't worry about hurting my feelings about a divorce.....he's good in every other way..he's just a jerk about the whole Philippines trip thing...

If you have no other problems than this. Then go on your cruise, with a friend. Have a ball, and spend the rest of the time he is gone enjoying your friends,
family, pets and peace and quiet. But before he goes. I would insist that the next trip taken, be for the two of you only, to where ever you want to go. Really, enjoy the cruise and the time he is gone.

 

[jojodesca]

well...**** fighting is a huge legal sport over there...and my husband has recently gotten so into it b/c his brothers raise them and fight them..I think it's cruel, but he was raised to not think so. he said he wanted me to go, but he knows i dont like the **** fighting and he is planning on spending alot of time doing it..I dont know any of his family over there..so if he is going to leave me alone with the wives and children of his family and friends, then I would rather stay home. I do not want to be "a stranger in a strange land"...the reason for a month trip is b/c it takes almost 2 days travel there and 2 days back..so going for a week is not enough time....however a whole month is ridiculous....Another reason I dont want to go is b/c I have my dog and turtles to take care of...Don't worry about hurting my feelings about a divorce.....he's good in every other way..he's just a jerk about the whole Philippines trip thing...

If you have no other problems than this. Then go on your cruise, with a friend. Have a ball, and spend the rest of the time he is gone enjoying your friends,
family, pets and peace and quiet. But before he goes. I would insist that the next trip taken, be for the two of you only, to where ever you want to go. Really, enjoy the cruise and the time he is gone.

I should!...take the money for my airfare and just extend a longer cruise..or buy more turtles!

 

[ALDABRAMAN]

I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I was divorced before. There are too many fish in the sea that would treat you better and life is too short. That said, you have to do what is right for you. I just hope you don't have kids. If you do,i hope he treats them better.. Good luck to you. Take the cruise, run up his credit card then, consider divorce if that's an option.

 

[jaizei]

or buy more turtles!

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