Smashing Mark - a tale of tortoises and terror

[Yvonne G]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

What flavor ice cream? I'm partial to chocolate chip.....OOPS! sorry Mark...I didn't see your hand laying there. crunch

 

[Jacqui]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

I knew that Yvonne and so that's what I brought!

 

[dmmj]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

I see josh's to do list turned into smash mark thread.

 

[Kristina]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

Smashing Mark is just so much more fun.

Any superman ice cream in there?

 

[Yvonne G]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

No, wait...I don't think there's room here on the cinder blocks for David.

 

[Madkins007]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

[Superman ice cream? Googled it- pretty cool! Actually- damn COLD as it melts on my back! Where are the tortoises, anyway? HELP!!!!!]

....................................................................................................................

"WAIT!" Balathon shouted! "Someone else is coming up!" It was true, the Twins of Terror were now the TRIO OF TERROR! (There should be some reverb and thunder effects in your mind every time you read that.)

"And look! They brought ice cream!" The horror! The horror! How dark the hearts of these women to snack gaily on brightly colored frozen confections as the tortoise's noble and beloved master was laying beneath the crushing stones, struggling to breathe. His pain touched his herd and they steeled their hearts for what lay ahead.

"Steady on, men! This does not change the plans! Re-aim and prepare to fire!"

Chelan quietly asked "Would this be a good time to put the batteries in?"

"Bloody hell" Duke as the Black Tartarian grunted. "You are right. We did figure it would be better to do this in the filed, didn't we? Good call, lad!" He unhitched the batteries from his back sling and opened the compartment.

"DAMNATION!" he roared! "We need AA and we only brought AAA!"

"But the battery cover said UM4, isn't that the AA?"

"No, no. That is the Japanese designation. UM3 is AA and UM4 is AAA. UM2 is C, 1 is D, etc."

"But I thought the old, mostly unused A battery was designated as UM3" This triggered a round of spirited discussion on the vagarities of battery nomenclature and the effects of nationalism in making all the conflicting naming conventions. Normally the herd could discuss such things for hours or even days at a time, but they were rather rushed by the faint squeaking they could hear from under the stones- a squeaking that sounded enough like hatching eggs that it sent chills down their shell-entrapped spines.

Fortunately, Duke knew that the AAA could fit in a space for a AA by adding about 6mm to the length- a ball of foil or scrap of aluminum would work- and some padding to the sides. Fortunately, one of the side effects of having humans on the planet is that stuff like this was generally easy to come by. A discarded wad of gum in the wrapper gave him most of the tools needed and as the rest of the herd continued their discussion of the ramifications of the disparity between Chinese and Japanese numbering systems he was able to get the batteries to fit well enough to power up the light on the control box.

"Gentletortoises, please, we are back on track and the game is afoot! Stations, please!"

They quickly were back on task, and the woodland creatures once again turned their attention to the spectacle about to unfold. The Black Tartarian got the TRIO OF TERROR (error, error, ror, r) in his sights, flipped off the safely, got the aiming reticules back on line (ignoring a voice deep within urging him to 'use the Force, Duke') and called out "FIRE!" Biting the control at the same moment.

The Plot Device glowed, hummed, began to vibrate hideously. The teeth of animals blessed enough to have them cursed at them as they began to vibrate painfully in their jaws. The assembled animals tool a step back, just to be safe. A whine began to escalate to a crescendo and the tortoises all withdrew in their shells.

The mighty Plot Device gave out a terrible "PHHHHHAAAAARRRTTTT" noise and stank the place up.

After a heartbeat of silence, the animals began to crack up. A robin fell out of the tree laughing, and a nearby ferret exploded in mirth. And, to top things off- the TRIO OF TERROR (*rumble*) was now looking right at them!


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We here at the Meijers Institute of Psychedelic Ice Cream Flavors have you covered! Try Superman Ice Cream! A mix of yellow-tinted Vanilla, Blue Moon- which we had to invent for this purpose- and Black Cherry for the perfect combination of flavors so awesome, it makes Chuck Norris giggle like a little girl!

Meanwhile, back in the glen, which apparently is in Michigan, home of Superman Ice Cream, which is really weird because Mark lives in Nebraska, but that is besides the main point here, which is 'why are the tortoises talking with British accents?'

What? Oh, sorry... lost my train of thought. Still trying to figure out what 'blue moon' ice cream would taste like. According to Wikipedia- it tastes like Fruit Loops, and is mostly available in the same region as Superman Ice Cream, which sounds like a plot to me. Here I thought the Plot Device was going to be the most absurd element in this play, then I discover THIS! Can you blame me for getting a bit off topic?

Eh? What was that? Well, I NEVER! You don't have to use that tone with me young lady! I'll get back to the point... eventually.

Lessee... where were we? Tortoises assembled, machine farted, TRIO OF TERROR alerted. Damn. I think our guys are in trouble, don't you? Whew. This narrating work is exhausting. Do you mind if I join you on those rocks? I brought some of my own Superman Ice Cream- part of the research, you know. Does anyone have a spoon?

 

[Jacqui]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

*hands over a spoon*

 

[Kristina]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

I know for a fact that Jacqui licked that spoon before she gave it to you....

 

[Jacqui]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

I know for a fact that Jacqui licked that spoon before she gave it to you....

Your such a tattler!! Atleast you didn't tell him what I did with it AFTER I licked it...

 

[Madkins007]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

The tortoises were staring at the concrete pile, and every animal for miles around was fixated on it as well- jaws agape.

There were four people on there, and one of them was clearly Mark- eating some obscenely colored ice cream as the [reverb]TRIO OF TERROR [/reverb] were staring at the admittedly unusual site of a small herd of smallish tortoises lugging around the ominous Plot Device.

"My God!" Said Balathon excitedly, "The Plot Device seems to have distracted the TRIO OF TERROR as it extracted our benevolent master from his rocky crypt!"

"So why is he still there? Why doesn't he run? Does he not understand the danger he is in?"

"Do you suppose he might be damaged somehow? Cognitively, I mean."

"Hmm, that would explain a lot!" The others chimed in with this, nodding knowingly.

.........................

"By the way, girls- what is up with this TRIO OF TERROR bit? You are all pretty nice people. Why are you the bad guys here?" Mark asked as he took another spoonful of the artificially cheerfully colored ice cream.

"Huh? Oh, we were just on our way to the local comic book convention." Jacqui said.

"Yeah- we did not really like any of the stereotypical female heros- you know, the whole Barbie doll supermodel-look thing with powers generally significantly weaker than the males, while wearing tighter and fewer clothes."

"So we came up with our own stuff that celebrated more the idea of having cool but semi-realistic powers..."

"...and we did the villains bit because they usually have more fun, both in the comics and at the conventions..."

"...and our costumes are more like what real heros would wear- tough, lots of pockets, easy to move in, layering, etc. We actually got most of this stuff at the thrift store or military surplus shop..."

"... we've even got a website and sell a comic strip we did based on the group..."

"... oh, and then there is the... HEY! Wait a minute! If you are here, then who is under the stones?"

The TRIO jumped to their feet and began to shift the weighty blocks. It quickly turned out that it was a cheap scarecrow- clothes stuffed with newspaper. The TRIO turned to confront Mark- who was already across the glen and well on his way home.



Mark entered his home and gave his wife a hug. "So, you are finally back. Just wait till you hear about my day. Do you have anything important you are working on now?"

"Nothing pressing."

THE END!

 

[Yvonne G]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

"Nothing pressing"

LOL!!

 

[Kristina]

In order to keep the original tale intact, I created a discussion thread and closed this one. You can find the discussion thread here - http://www.tortoiseforum.org/Thread-Smashing-Mark-discussion-let-the-hilarity-continue#axzz1lASyU3FS

 

[Madkins007]

RE: Josh's To Do List Part 2

"Nothing pressing"

LOL!!

 

[Madkins007]

You know, I am still waiting for someone to offer to buy the film rights for this off of me.