Relationships, Emotions, Lack of Control

[richalisoviejo]

There seems to be a common thread in relationship problems: EMOTIONS that overwhelm all ability to think reasonably and rationally. People can't seem to control their emotions: LOVE, HATE, ANGER.

Here's a guy who couldn't get control of his emotions. He LOVED his ex-girlfriend. He was angry because she found someone new. He was angry when she obtained a restraining order against him. He was angry when he lost his job and he blamed HER and her new guy. His anger and hatred overwhelmed him to the point that he plotted to rape, torture, and kill. His only regret? When the time came to actually kill HER, he let his emotions (LOVE? for her) get in the way. He now says his only regret is that he killed his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend instead of her. He now faces the death penalty unless the jury decides to spare his life.

Why does LOVE/HATE have such a strangle-hold on people that they lose the ability to think clearly, torture themselves and others emotionally, and end up doing unreasonable and irrational things that destroy themselves and others?

 

[Yvonne G]

Its not that simple. Most of those people you speak about already have a screw a little bit loose to start with. People with all their screws tightened up to the max, do not allow their emotions to rule

Yvonne

 

[chadk]

Its not that simple. Most of those people you speak about already have a screw a little bit loose to start with. People with all their screws tightened up to the max, do not allow their emotions to rule

Yvonne

+1

I'd also ad that I believe in the concept of 'evil' in this world. But that does not seem to fit with your scenario above. I'm thinking more of some of the serial killers, serial rapists, and men like Hitler.

 

[alfiethetortoise]

Interesting. I have been on several psycology courses and something i found that came up again and again was that most people act rationally first and then experience emotion when there is time. This appears to be the case in car accidents (reaction is to break or swerve and not break down in tears).

I guess there is a fine line between love and hate....

 

[terryo]

I think it has to do with a lack of control and discipline....there are weak people who cannot control their emotions and then there are strong people who can control their emotions and are very well disciplined. I am a weak person...a romantic at heart...I have always followed my heart instead of my head and have always been in trouble because of it.

 

[katesgoey]

It isn't about love. It's about control/ownership. (She's mine, he can't have her, she's supposed to love ME). I think in that jerk's case, he's the type who cannot take responsibility for his emotions or actions (she/he "made me do it"...."if she hadn't done (blank), "I wouldn't have had to if she/he wouldn't have....."). A classic abuser (which doesn't mean he had to hit her...ever, he just had to feel like she belonged to him). sigh.

 

[terryo]

YES! Sandy...you are right ...it's about CONTROL. As in "control freak!" I knew one of those very well!

 

[Candy]

He now says his only regret is that he killed his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend instead of her.



Just goes to prove that he should be put away. Power and Control is a fine line between Love and Hate.

 

[dmmj]

I agree it is not about love but control, he wanted her, he got her, and when she wanted to leave he could not allow that. most of these people have a screw loose anyways.

 

[Stazz]

This kind of guy irks me to the max. People break up and find new people every single day, but its scary how often you hear about people snapping and killing their ex and their new partner.... There is absolutely no excuse, whether he has a mental problem or not, I don't see why his life should be spared just because he had a broken heart. Sounds harsh kinda, but I've had my fair share of heartbreak, and its just something that everyone will have to go through. Its some serious control issues, and a definite mental problem to be able to kill someone because you can't have them. Pretty insane. Screws loose like that should be locked up, never know when he/she will snap again. Scary but true. And even more scary is you never know who has those screws loose most of the time, before its too late. If that makes sense

 

[MissLaw]

I think, when boys believe that they are automatically, naturally, superior to girls, that their little egos are set up to take the fall when, inevitably, they are worse than a girl at something. Someone who never grew out of this mentality might feel the need to assert his power physically because it is the only thing he has to fall back on.

Very few people start a physical battle with someone who can fight back on equal or superior terms.

 

[richalisoviejo]

They say domestic violence of men against women is caused by our society (or culture, if you will) raising males to believe they are, and must remain, in the position of POWER and CONTROL over females. I don’t buy the whole evil aspect, save that for the religious fanatics. They say if we could get rid of this idea that men are "superior" to women, domestic violence would disappear. (Note, by "our society" I'm speaking of the US only, which is all I know.)

They say our culture instills ideas in boys about females being inferior with ideas like, "don't be a girl... girls are sissies... girls are weak and need to be told what to do...". They say girls are instilled with ideas that it's their job to hold relationships together, to submit to the will of males, and to pretend to be dumber than they are to allow males to feel superior.

This "job" of females to control the home and the relationships within it allows males to blame females for anything that goes wrong inside the home. And every single abusing male I've heard of personally (at least 200 now) has shifted the blame for the abuse from himself to the female involved, because she failed to follow the "rules" of society about her (inferior) place in it.

 

[chadk]

I think it has less to do with traditional male and female roles (husband and wife roles if you will) and more to do with so many kids growing up without 2 loving parents in a healthy relationship leading by example.

You rarely hear of a man abusing a women who had a good solid father figure in his life who taught him how to truly love and respect his wife.

But often an abusive father helps create an abusive son.

And often a girl raised under abuse is somehow drawn to abusive relationships her whole life.

Luckily the cycle can be broken and there is hope.

My wife used to work in a shelter for battered women and children and also has her degree in psychology. We also see this kind of thing as we are involved in Foster Care and CPS.

While the situation here in the US is appalling, in countries such as Iran, China, India, and places in South America still treat girls and women as less than human. Some of them will kill a baby girl in favor of having more 'valuable' sons. Some actually sell their young daughters as sexual objects. They have no rights and very little in the way of help.

My church is involved in helping provide a shelter in one such country. It is just so hard to comprehend how their societies just accept this as 'normal'.