Hey all. I want to start by apologizing up front. I'm pretty good about posting a story or poem or something kind of "fun" to read. Tonight (it's 6:07PM upon writing this for me) is different though. It is a personal situation, and I do not expect anyone to chime in, or give advice. I am not looking for attention I am just looking to get my story and voice out there to where it will be heard, and I hopefully will not be judged. Here it goes.
So. I am 23 years old (young?). When I was around 7, my parents had a divorce. There was a deal worked out so that I would be able to see my dad every other weekend or so. Now, back in the day, he was kind of a dead beat, to say the least. Half of the time during visits, I would be left with other family members, to be babysat so he could go out, and do whatever it was he did. It finally turned out so he stopped picking me up during his visit time. Now, every couple of years or so, he would just come swooping in to my life, and my sisters. It was fine by me, I always did enjoy seeing him, when he was "able" to. My sister, on the other hand, has really no clue to who he is, being she was very young during the split. Anyway, this happened for YEARS off and on, and I haven't heard from him in a long time, about 4 years. My sister has recently turned age enough where she is starting to explore her freedom, and has gotten tangled up in our "birth" family. Little side note: my mom met a guy some time after the split with my birth dad, and he became my "step" dad, who raised us and loved us as his own. I respect him a lot, and know he would take a bullet for either one of us. Anyway, back to the story. My sister tells me just this past weekend that my birth dad is dying. He is failing more and more each day. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (probably due to drinking in excess) and it has spread, along with tumors, wracking his entire body. She is kind of using the ailment to her advantage and gobbling up a ton of negative attention for it, and in the meantime harassing me to go and see him. Mind you, he is a good three hour drive away. Which doesn't matter in the least, and it is a horrible selfish thing to say. But that brings me to the bad part. Or so I think. I don't really FEEL anything. I don't FEEL sad, or lost, or hopeless. I don't feel like I have lost anything. I am so confused. Am I going to hell? Should I feel like my world is tearing apart because the man who made me and ran away is now dying? The entire "birth" family is breathing down my neck telling me he doesn't have much time left, and he is just hanging on to see me, and my idiot sister is on that wagon. Again, another selfish thing: I have SO much going on in my life right now. My wife and I have a baby of our own due this December, so we are getting prepped for that, we bought a house just this year,and are trying to complete as many renovations we can before the baby comes. I work 11-13 hour days, so not a lot can be accomplished during the week. And he is like 3 HOURS away!! I know I know, I am going to hell for saying that. But it's true. The only thing I FEEL is confused. I can't shake it/ I can write until my fingers bleed, but I can't get it out of my head. I DONT want to get tangled in that butthole family, they are horrible people. I just don't know.
Thanks for listening. Or reading. Whatever, lol. Everyone here is so awesome. PLEASE don't feel obligated to comment. It is a very awkward soap opera thing to have to read (if you read it all), and I didn't expect anything but to just write and be heard.
So. I am 23 years old (young?). When I was around 7, my parents had a divorce. There was a deal worked out so that I would be able to see my dad every other weekend or so. Now, back in the day, he was kind of a dead beat, to say the least. Half of the time during visits, I would be left with other family members, to be babysat so he could go out, and do whatever it was he did. It finally turned out so he stopped picking me up during his visit time. Now, every couple of years or so, he would just come swooping in to my life, and my sisters. It was fine by me, I always did enjoy seeing him, when he was "able" to. My sister, on the other hand, has really no clue to who he is, being she was very young during the split. Anyway, this happened for YEARS off and on, and I haven't heard from him in a long time, about 4 years. My sister has recently turned age enough where she is starting to explore her freedom, and has gotten tangled up in our "birth" family. Little side note: my mom met a guy some time after the split with my birth dad, and he became my "step" dad, who raised us and loved us as his own. I respect him a lot, and know he would take a bullet for either one of us. Anyway, back to the story. My sister tells me just this past weekend that my birth dad is dying. He is failing more and more each day. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (probably due to drinking in excess) and it has spread, along with tumors, wracking his entire body. She is kind of using the ailment to her advantage and gobbling up a ton of negative attention for it, and in the meantime harassing me to go and see him. Mind you, he is a good three hour drive away. Which doesn't matter in the least, and it is a horrible selfish thing to say. But that brings me to the bad part. Or so I think. I don't really FEEL anything. I don't FEEL sad, or lost, or hopeless. I don't feel like I have lost anything. I am so confused. Am I going to hell? Should I feel like my world is tearing apart because the man who made me and ran away is now dying? The entire "birth" family is breathing down my neck telling me he doesn't have much time left, and he is just hanging on to see me, and my idiot sister is on that wagon. Again, another selfish thing: I have SO much going on in my life right now. My wife and I have a baby of our own due this December, so we are getting prepped for that, we bought a house just this year,and are trying to complete as many renovations we can before the baby comes. I work 11-13 hour days, so not a lot can be accomplished during the week. And he is like 3 HOURS away!! I know I know, I am going to hell for saying that. But it's true. The only thing I FEEL is confused. I can't shake it/ I can write until my fingers bleed, but I can't get it out of my head. I DONT want to get tangled in that butthole family, they are horrible people. I just don't know.
Thanks for listening. Or reading. Whatever, lol. Everyone here is so awesome. PLEASE don't feel obligated to comment. It is a very awkward soap opera thing to have to read (if you read it all), and I didn't expect anything but to just write and be heard.
