Being single has become difficult

[fhintz]

I'm not sure if this is an appropriate topic, especially as I realize I'm not the most frequent of posters. But being shy and introverted is part of who I am, so reaching out wherever and however I can is important for me to try. So, here goes.

Being single around the holidays has really been rather depressing. Part of the holiday aura is the idea that you spend them with the "special" people in your life, so its a near constant reminder of how I don't have such a person, even though I've been committed to finding one for some time.

One such effort started with a girl I met online through online gaming. We had some really wonderful conversations and hit it off pretty well. She, however, expressed a little of uncertainty about where she was at in life, partly due to bad prior relationships. I was patient and was very supportive toward her. She could never work up the courage to actually try something with me though. After about a year and a half of talking, this past June she cut ties with me completely.

So, this past Thanksgiving, she text messaged me, saying she thought of me a lot and wanted me to know she was thankful to have had me in her life. I politely responded thanks for the well wishes, but I don't really know what to say, and her response to that was she was just glad to have a reply. Not sure how to interpret that, I let the matter drop.

So, around Christmas I get a card from her, and again I politely thank her for the card and we have a brief conversation via text. A couple weeks later we talk again, and I ask her what her intentions are, trying to figure out if she's just wanting to talk again or ready to try something. Instead of an answer, she presses me about what I'm comfortable with. Perhaps it already happened, but at this urging, I'm realizing that I'm opening up to actually wanting to try getting together with her, even though she had really dragged her feet and then hurt me back in June. And then, she says well I've actually starting seeing someone, but apparently she still thinks we can be friends. So, I've just been hurt by the same person again through my holiday vulnerability.

So, I'm trying to find a sense of confidence to move forward again.

Thanks for listening forum friends.

Frank (I'm 34 if that matters at all for context)

 

[Torty Mom]

I am sorry Frank! I wish there was something more I can say except when you least expect it the right person will come along. We have a Teacher at school that has been alone for a very long time and is MUCH older and she met someone last year and they are doing great. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find that special someone.

You should step out of your comfort zone and go to places you don't normally go. NOT BARS! Have you tried any of the dating services like Harmony. I have a friend that met her husband there. They dated for 5 years then recently got married. She is older also. When I say older, I am talking late 50ies early 60ies.

What about friends of friends, can any of them introduce you to their sister or sister's friend?

I wish I had better ideas for you! I have been married for 21 years, I'm kinda out of the Loop of what's hip!

I hope this is the year for you, I will say a special prayer for you!!

Hang in there, love always finds a way......

 

[terryo]

Frank, there's nothing wrong with having a "text" friend, so try to think of it as just that. Someone you can open up to, just be comfortable with without any involvement. In the meantime, why don't you try something like connect.com or another site like that. There is a guy across the street from me who met someone on that site, and she has moved in with him now. Also my own cousin met someone from NY, and they got married a few months ago. You never know, you just might find your soul mate. Don't settle!! There are probably plenty of guys and gals out there who are in the same predicament as you are. Be optimistic...not just with this, but with everything you do in life. It will really make a difference. Believe me, I know! And...good luck.

 

[Yvonne G]

Hi Frank:

One of the guys I work with used eHarmony.com and found someone to go motorcycle riding with. They took a trip from Fresno, CA to Canada and decided to stop on the way home and get married. They seem totally the correct fit for each other and very happy together.

I've been alone since my husband died in '83. At first I was pretty upset and depressed wondering if I'd be alone the rest of my life. And, like you, holidays were pretty hard. But over the years, as I grew more confident and able to take care of myself (and build things LOL!), I realized that I really, I mean REALLY, like being alone. I don't have to share the TV remote, I don't have to account to anyone for my time, etc. If I want to live in a pig pen, its fine with me!

Are you a religious person? Another fellow I worked with lost his wife of 45 years two years ago. I was talking with a friend and she told me that he recently got married again. He found this person through the church he attends.

So, get out there and live your life. I'm sure there's someone waiting to meet you, you just have to be open to it.

 

[Edna]

Looking forward and trying to meet new people is great, Frank, but don't rule out looking back. I boyfriend from when I was 14-15-16 years old looked me up a couple of years ago and here we are, happily living the life we were dreaming of 36 years ago. There might be someone special from the past who would be just delighted to hear from you.

 

[fhintz]

Thanks so much for the kind replies.

 

[Isa]

I am sorry it happened again Frank . There are some places where it is easier to meet people, per exemple, the gym, go for a drink, to the restaurant... Have you tried speed dating? Online is another good idea but the problem with online is you never know if the person tell the truth or not, but my best friend met her Husband on the net , so you never know.
IMO you should think of your friend as a friend and not more...
Have you tried to go to reptiles shows , maybe you could meet someone with the same passion as you?
Good luck, I am sure there is someone out there for you

 

[Yvonne G]

Where are you located, Frank?

 

[tobibaby]

hi frank,
you are still young, like everyone is saying go out there and have a good time, when u least expect it you will meet someone.. after being in a relationship for 6+ yrs and breaking up i thought i will be alone but 5 months later i met my husband thru a mutual friend and i was not looking at all i was actually enjoying being single again but he is the best thing thats ever happen to me.. and he is super shy too when he first meets a new person but once he gets to know you he is super funny, he makes me laugh all the time i love that about him and i knew he was the one for me, 10yrs together and super strong. so dont beat yourself up, you will meet someone especial.

 

[fhintz]

I'm in Fort Myers, FL

 

[Angi]

Get out and do what YOU like to do. Maybe you will meet someone who likes to do the same things.
Go to the gym. You could meet someone there, but if you don't you will be getting in shape anyway. Volunteer for something you think is important, you could meet someone that has the same passion. Think of getting out of you comfort zone as a challenge. Take a class in something that intrests you. Once you get out of your comfort zone the the possibilities are endless. GOOD LUCK and let us know if you take any of this advice and how it goes. Life is what happends while you are making other plans!

 

[Tom]

First of all, you need to say "see ya" to miss online gaming. That one is going nowhere good.

Second, the harder you look the less you will find. Just go about your business and let it happen.

 

[fhintz]

Tom: Ya, I basically told her that as I was single, how I was feeling about that, and the fact that we had had some kind of emotional connection, it really wouldn't be good for me, and really both of us to have contact at this time.

On your second, I definitely have that philosophy that it should happen just being me. The problem is I'm very much a homebody. I like to read, play games (although I'm sort of moving away from that), watch my tortoise, just relax, occassionally watch tv, etc. etc.

So, I need to find a way to still be totally myself and pursue interests, but I need to get a bit out of my comfort zone, and do it in a more social manner. I even do enjoy social interaction when I get to it, it just typically hasn't been something I've sought out.

Thanks so much again for all the well wishes.

 

[Tom]

There are hordes of women out there in the world who would love to do all the things you just mentioned. Everyone has a bunch of personality traits and quirks. We all tend to think of them as "good" or "bad". I'm of the opinion that whether they are good or bad depends on the situation. My step dad had a saying. "For every walrus there is a mate."

What I'm saying is that whatever and whoever you are there is someone, or many someone's, that will love you BECAUSE you are that way, not in spite of it.

 

[Laura]

Frank.. take that advice above. and Join Faceook if you havent arleady..
my good friend just started chatting with an old highschool band buddy.. WHO KNEW that had so much in common.. its been 30 years!, but they have started seeing each other and are Loving life!
just live your life and the right one will find you.

sounds like that ole flame just wanted a friend with benefits.. and that usally ends up hurting more...

 

[ALDABRAMAN]

I'm in Fort Myers, FL

Hey, why don't you join the herp club, we meet on the first thursday of every month. Calusa Herp Society, great website. Or just PM me and I will get you more information about it. Greg.

 

[dmmj]

life is a journey, don't rush, it will happen sooner or later. see my signature to see how I feel about being single and I am 35 an still no one.

 

[Jacqui]

First of all, you need to say "see ya" to miss online gaming. That one is going nowhere good.

Second, the harder you look the less you will find. Just go about your business and let it happen.

I disagree with the first statement completely. Sounds like at the very least, you enjoy talking with this person. Friends are just as important, if not more so, then possible relationship folks. Second she may end up not liking the current guy and be ready to become more with you.

Second I can see it being true, but not always. I think sometimes you have to go looking, not just hope life throws something good your way. Don't make find Ms. Right a huge part of your life, but do look. Keep doing the things in life you enjoy, but also check out any of the online dating sites and real life meeting areas.

For the record, I met my husband online. I wasn't seriously looking, more was just checking out what was there because a friend was doing the online searching. I was cheap, so went with the free yahoo thing. Jeff and I didn't even rate high on the capability scale, but we sure do in real life.

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I'm in Fort Myers, FL

Hey, why don't you join the herp club, we meet on the first thursday of every month. Calusa Herp Society, great website. Or just PM me and I will get you more information about it. Greg.

Now, that's one of those real life meeting things I was talking about.

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life is a journey, don't rush, it will happen sooner or later. see my signature to see how I feel about being single and I am 35 an still no one.

That's surprises me. I would think you would be beating them off with that great sense of humor (among other things) you have going for you.

 

[Shelly]

"Online gaming" and "single" often go hand in hand. You need to get out in the real world.

 

[fhintz]

I'm planning to see about the herp society. Looking forward to it.

Jacqui: Typically, I have the same worldview as your first point, but I think the best thing at the moment is to make sure I have a stronger base of self. I don't think I'd be a good friend if I was chatting but sort of hoping her relationship would fail.

I've looked into online dating sites a little. Makes me a little nervous how often the "go ahead and pay to subscribe" stuff comes up, as well as the typical nerves of doing it. But looking into it.

Shelly: Totally agree on the last sentence and getting out into the real world is basically what I'm trying to do more of at the moment (though that seems weird to say on an online forum). I will say, though, that I haven't been online gaming in over a year, and from my experience, I found a lot more married people and people in relationships then you might think.

Thanks again for the support. Please let me know if this thread is going too long. I realize it may be too personal to have hanging around.