feeling my Mortality

[ColleenT]

On Dec 9, i got a phone call. Found out our best friend had died. He was only 54. He was on Ski Patrol and He knew how to help people with issues like heart attack. That is how he died, at the hospital at 1 am. I didn't really cry, bc it doesn't feel like it really happened. Like Mark is still around and i can just stop over and see him. I have not cried over him, and i feel terrible. The guilt is worse than the grief. So i don't know if i am just not processing this, or if I ever will. I am 48. I am pretty healthy, according to my Doc. but Mark didn't know he had a heart condition. He was a healthy, active person who was outside every single day of his life.

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression, so i take meds for that. But lately i feel like i am in a weird funk or something. It is not sadness, but i guess just the knowing that anyone can go at any day, but that my age is bringing me closer to the other side. I think my perspective has changed and i don't really know how to feel about that.

 

[wellington]

So sorry about your friend. That's too young. It's ruff when they are too young. I know, I lost a best friend years ago. She was in her 40's, cancer. Way too young.
Everyone grieves in there own way. It's harder I think too, when it's not someone you see all the time. You feel like it's not real, cuz your life at this point wouldn't have probably been seeing him yet. It might hit and then again, what you are going thru and feeling may be the way you are handling it. As for you, need to look at it differently. You can spend your life worrying about your number being up, spending your life worrying about death now or you can go out and live your life, so when your number is up, you have lived! There is only one certainty here, you will die. It's your choice to do it now, sitting around worrying about it, or you have the choice to go live and not worry about it. Hope this helped. I know it's easier said then done. Just have to change your thinking and mind set. Waste your life or don't waste your life.

 

[Cowboy_Ken]

I think my perspective has changed and i don't really know how to feel about that.

Recently, while my baby girl Morgan was here at the house, I mentioned to her that she and her sister needed to come up and choose items of mine that they'd like to to have in the event of my passing. Silly me. I thought this was a straight forward request. I couldn't be further from the the truth. This actually went far enough that she didn't want to speak about it. A lesson learned for me. I believe we all have feelings that we must deal with on our own grounds. Our spouses, our children, our bestest of friends don't really know what is in our hearts. I think carry on your life, and others will adopt.
Does that make sense?

 

[Yvonne G]

Hi Colleen:

That's a pretty hard thing to process. What you're feeling is natural. My husband was 49 when his heart took him, and I was up in Oregon at a horse show. So I recognize the guilt and sadness you're going through.

When you're just sitting around doing nothing, think of all the good things and good times with Mark. Try to not dwell on his passing. (I know, I know - easier said than done)

 

[ColleenT]

Thanks everyone. it's just not REAL yet. And at the same time, i just feel more mortal(?) i guess. When we are in our early 20's we feel so immortal. But now, i now i am not. i'm not worrying about it. just a different perspective.

Yvonne, i am so sorry you lost him so young.

Mark was a Farrier and then later he bought 3 riding stables.

 

[dmmj]

death is inevitable it happens to everyone it doesn't make sense to me to worry about something that no matter how hard you try you cannot change and once you're dead you won't be able to know the difference you'll either go back into the Oblivion of nothingness or to whatever afterlife there is

 

[GingerLove]

I am so sorry @ColleenT . I've never been through something like that. I think all of your emotions are normal. Last year, I believed that both my mother and father were going to die. My Mom from cancer and my father from an accident that almost paralyzed him. It made me think about how someone's life can end at any moment. It scared me. I didn't want to lose anyone I loved unexpectedly, and it also caused me fear to think that I might also die at any time.
But then I remember that there is One who is immortal who died for me so that I can spend eternity with Him. And I realize that I am only living a brief moment of life. There is more than this. And suddenly the fear lost it's power. It's never gone completely as I am not perfect, but now I have hope during my fear.
I hope this doesn't offend you in any way. I cannot completely understand what you are going through as both of my parents survived, but just know that I am praying for you and appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your feelings.

 

[Yvonne G]

death is inevitable it happens to everyone it doesn't make sense to me to worry about something that no matter how hard you try you cannot change and once you're dead you won't be able to know the difference you'll either go back into the Oblivion of nothingness or to whatever afterlife there is

Maybe so, David, but I'm not ready to go yet. I don't worry about it, but don't look forward to it either.

 

[ColleenT]

i am not worrying about it, like i said. just a shift in perception.

 

[Cowboy_Ken]

i am not worrying about it, like i said. just a shift in perception.

Back before I was 25, I buried no less than 10 very dear, close friends. Some I was with to hold their hand during their passing. These souls and I knew each other with our eyes closed. Do I long for them? Daily. Most I would spend 2 weeks with in the summer, (I had the cool place!) some it was months or years. In my daily life I miss them, but I've replaced them. Things I long to share with them, I share instead with others. I feel you to be strong. There truly is no foul in redirecting your heart.

 

[Pearly]

Ahhh! Just saw this thread! I am so sorry! And hope by now you have found some healthy ways to cope with your loss. I've had more of it than I'd even want and I say: cope in whatever way you can, to keep your sanity. Hang in there Girl❤

 

[Gillian M]

Very sorry to know your friend died. Please accept my sincere condolences.

Please, please TRY to calm down; though I for one know that words are easy and very easy.

If you need to talk just send me a PM.

 

[ColleenT]

Very sorry to know your friend died. Please accept my sincere condolences.

Please, please TRY to calm down; though I for one know that words are easy and very easy.

If you need to talk just send me a PM.

I am calm. ( Why do you think i need to calm down?)

No worries. it was just a strange morph of the way i had been thinking. all of a sudden i felt older, and i felt mortal. I still miss him, but i am also still in denial. In my mind, he is still over at the stable and working hard. I haven't taken him out of my phone. One of the Best friends i will ever have. a Huge Loss.

 

[GingerLove]

That's great that you keep him in your phone. I always try to remove things that make me sad or have memories, but I think that's a really great idea to keep the happy memories.

 

[Pearly]

I am calm. ( Why do you think i need to calm down?)

No worries. it was just a strange morph of the way i had been thinking. all of a sudden i felt older, and i felt mortal. I still miss him, but i am also still in denial. In my mind, he is still over at the stable and working hard. I haven't taken him out of my phone. One of the Best friends i will ever have. a Huge Loss.

Colleen, I think Gillian's intent was tad different from the one people in the US use when saying "calm down". I too am not a native English speaker and know first hand how easy it can be to be misunderstood due to use of different expressions that are typical to certain regions of the globe that most of non-native speakers have no way of learning being away from that environment. I believe in this case it was simply expression of genuine concern for a fellow Forum Member. @ Gillian Moore please correct me if I am mistaken

 

[Gillian M]

Colleen, I think Gillian's intent was tad different from the one people in the US use when saying "calm down". I too am not a native English speaker and know first hand how easy it can be to be misunderstood due to use of different expressions that are typical to certain regions of the globe that most of non-native speakers have no way of learning being away from that environment. I believe in this case it was simply expression of genuine concern for a fellow Forum Member. @ Gillian Moore please correct me if I am mistaken

Hi and hope you are well.

No you are NOT AT ALL mistaken.

Thank you very much for having explained/interpreted what I told @ColleenT . Appreciate it.

 

[Gillian M]

I am calm. ( Why do you think i need to calm down?)

No worries. it was just a strange morph of the way i had been thinking. all of a sudden i felt older, and i felt mortal. I still miss him, but i am also still in denial. In my mind, he is still over at the stable and working hard. I haven't taken him out of my phone. One of the Best friends i will ever have. a Huge Loss.

Apologies for the misunderstanding.

Please read @Pearly 's very clear explanation to what told you.

Once again, please accept my sincere apologies.

 

[ColleenT]

No need to apologize, i was not understanding why you felt i needed to calm down. LOL.

 

[MPRC]

I am young and I still feel my mortality on a constant basis. I have a lot of high risk hobbies (extreme sports) and I have lost several dear friends to rock climbing, mountain biking, skiing, and rafting accidents and along the way a few wonderful people to cruel unfair things like brain cancer at the age of 21 or slipping on some moss and falling off a cliff at 25.

It's okay to be sad, it's okay to be numb, it's okay to not feel anything at all.

I have friends back home who have passed and I haven't been with mutual friends since their passing and I still feel like they are going to walk through the door any minute.

 

[Gus.]

Sorry to hear about your friend. RIP to him.